There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
