Rock
Scissors
Fuck
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Randomize