New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
