i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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