she looked like the bat from fern gully.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I think we might need a safe word for this...
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
