Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
