I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
sarcasm needs its own font
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
