Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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