I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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