Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
