moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
