I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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