so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
