I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
