She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
