yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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