He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
