Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
