I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
