3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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