respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize