the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
