she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
