My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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