I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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