So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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