She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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