Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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