u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
