i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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