Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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