if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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