Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
