Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
