everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize