I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
