i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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