my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
