I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
