This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
