we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
