dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
