You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
