This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
