You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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