You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
