i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
