dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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