why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
