i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
When are your genitals available?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Randomize
