These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize