i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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