And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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